ROMANCING THE STONE

THE course of true love never did run smoothly, but most people don't end up with their sweetheart talking to them from the confines of a paving stone.

I think I'd better start at the beginning (it's very good place to start!).

The weekend had begun with yet another exhibition of chat show guest anarchy by Peter Kay.

Jonathan Ross should know by now that, when he invites the Bolton comic to appear on his Friday night programme (BBC1), he can throw away his list of questions and just join in the fun.

Since his success with that Amarillo ditty, Kay has burst into song at the drop of a hat, so it was a surprise to see him actually wearing headgear but not warbling on Doctor Who (BBC1) the following evening.

In a bizarre episode that featured Hustle star Marc Warren at the centre of the action, Kay played an alien who 'absorbed' half of the cast before the Doctor and Rose could be bothered arriving on the scene.

Warren was excellent as Elton, a lonely 'anorak', who was searching for the Doctor, believing him to be the man he had seen in his home as a young boy.

After joining up with a handful of fellow nerds to form a group called LINDA (an acronym as inoffensive as the members of the tiny band), he then found himself face to face with the earthly form of Kay's alien, Victor Knight, a portly theatrical type complete with hat and cane.

Victor imposed himself on the group as its new leader, as part of his quest to find and absorb the Doctor. Soon, however, he started to snack on each member of the group in turn, until only Elton was left.

Seeing his friends' faces poking out of the alien's true Sumo-like frame, he fled.

Despite being twice - nay, 50 times - more sprightly than the lumbering Kay monster with the Mohican hairstyle, however, Elton was soon cornered.

Cue the belated appearance of the Doctor and Rose just in time for the denouement.

Of course, the Doctor immediately remembered having been in Elton's house on the night the boy's mother died, presumably as a result of some kind of alien visitation.

What a memory - considering all the places he has visited and the people he has met as a Time Lord!

Within minutes of the Doc's arrival, the alien had himself been absorbed into a paving stone, along with the former members of LINDA.

The only thing to be retrieved later, on the surface of the stone, was the talking face of Elton's potential sweetheart Ursula, which brings us back to the start of this column!